Making front page headlines in my country right now is a massive recall on Maple Leaf meats due to a “deadly nationwide bacterial outbreak”. Details are online everywhere, but expect the previously unknown word “Listeria” to enter your vocabulary the same way SARS did. Therefore, I suppose this is a timely review, at least for any Canadians reading this (or brave tourists: “Come to Canada for an X-treme Vacation by Eating Processed Meat-food!”) in that I want to broach the challenge of eating meat-free and OMFG maybe even healthy, within the environment of fast food that exists. Yeah, good luck with that, right? Veggie challenge #1 is the Lick’s Nature Burger.

An institution in Ontario for years, and slowly getting franchised across Canada, Lick’s Homeburgers & Ice Cream is a regional burger chain, complete with the Honest Ed’s-style slogan “You can LICK our ice cream but you can’t BEAT our burgers!” (and if I was in charge, I would replace “Burgers!” with “Meat!” heh heh). All bah-dum-dum drum noises aside, it’s just another way of saying “specialty fast food” so you would expect a bit more than dependably mediocre, which is really what lots of fast food is; at least when it comes to the elusive veggie burger.

Measuring my own veggie burger experience against the putrid offerings of other very popular crayola-colour décor’d chains, I usually find the Lick’s Nature Burger to be not merely serviceable, but a fast food item any vegetarian – and some omnivores – would seek out deliberately. And oh look, this location just opened around the corner from the University of Toronto. And as you would expect from university students, the company Lick’s is keeping indicates it’s a smart neighbourhood.

After placing my order at the cashier, I shuffle over to the topping bar where my buns wait to be dressed, and the patty to finish grilling. I do have to mention that the Nature Burger automatically comes with a whole wheat bun, but you can ask for the standard white bun if you want. I am partial to hearty whole-grain action anywhere I can get it, and I appreciate the sandwich developers assumed its clientele would be grain-sluts that way. They know vegetarians.

Amongst the many fresh choices, they have this goo called Guk! sauce which is a mayonnaise / garlic concoction that comes regular or “firey”. I’m not a mayo person (eggs revolt me) but I love heat, so I’m happy to settle for hot peppers to accompany some chopped lettuce, slices of onion and tomato. And for future reference, when presented with the option I will always choose fire.

The beef I have (yeah I said it) with most veggie burgers is that they are simply overcooked. I’m not sure if this is from lack of training or knowledge on the part of the staff, but it’s the one recurring fault. I don’t hear any buzzers and bells in the Lick’s kitchen, so I am assuming that the spatula person has timing authority over the grill, which means my Nature Burger is at their mercy. And upon a quick visual inspection, I see my patty is a bit darker than it needs to be. *SIGH*.

Upon first bite, the dominant flavour note permeating the palate throughout is a pleasing char / grill taste, which comes not only from the patty, but from a quick sear of the bun which got its grill-time as well. The whole wheat bun is hearty without being tough, and it soaks up the moisture bleeding from those beautifully fresh tomatoes and condiments very well. The lunch bag let-down happens with the patty texture, and it’s apparent that it was indeed, left on the grill a bit too long, and surprise, the tender mouth feel that I’ve experienced on past visits, is disappointingly more on the crunch side. Alas, no total happy ending for me on this occasion. Mediocre, score one.

Overall, they’re still a better “burger” than any of the other fast food places serve, and the impeccably fresh components lend brightness to the whole thing. In fact, the first time I had one I thought I had been served a meat patty by mistake; cool, eh? It should be noted that their popular products are available to purchase in select supermarkets as frozen goods, and I’ve bought their patties and cooked them myself. Properly. Next time I’ll try requesting my Nature Burger cooked “rare”, or maybe order one of their other vegetarian offerings, like the Nature Wrap (vegetarian burrito). So I’m over it.

The burger gets a B- on this trip, but I’ve previously had it A, for Awesome. The fries were f-ing fantastic and deserve a review of their own in the future.

Price: $4.89 CDN / Website: LicksHomeburgers.com

Fast Food Critic Score: B-

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Nutrition Facts - Lick’s Nature Burger (patty with whole wheat bun).

Calories - 350
Calories from Fat - N/A
Total Fat - 12.5 grams
Carbs - 34 grams
Saturated Fat - 4.4 grams
Trans Fat - N/A grams
Cholesterol - 0 milligrams
Sodium - 970 milligrams
Protein - 23 grams

Please note these numbers are for the patty and whole wheat bun only. They do not include extra veggies or toppings. At this time Lick’s does not provide those details. Visit this link for more information about Lick’s nutrition.

I was a little worried about trying this product. Now that it’s over, I’m just confused, and reaching out for the first piece of real meat available, in hopes of forgetting the whole unpleasant experience. Alas, somebody had to do it.

There are things called vegetables. They are rare in the fast food world, but they DO exist. Things like green beans, carrots and such. I’m sure most of us feel the lettuce and tomato on our burgers is enough vegetation, but sometimes it’s nice to eat some additional healthy grub. Personally, I suggest eating a serving of your favorite veggie on it’s own, as a side dish. Perhaps 2 or 3 veggies, why not. But some people feel that’s too complicated, so they decided to take their veggies, grind them up together, mix with a bunch of soy, and create their own blend. Next they took this blended substance and shaped it into the form of a hamburger patty.

I don’t even feel right, putting this in the “Burgers” category, but what am I going to do? That’s what it’s called, and that’s how it’s marketed. So that’s where it goes.

The meat — There is none.
The cheese — There is none.
The bun — It’s a decent bun, much like BK’s REAL burgers.
The toppings — Lettuce, Mayo, Ketchup and Tomato. The lettuce was crisp and tasted fine. The mayo was average fast food variety, the ketchup the same. There was no tomato included because of the current Salmonella scare.

The taste — If I cut a piece of the foam padding from my desk chair that’s currently poking out from a rip in the fabric, added a little bit of carrot, pepper and mushroom, I’d imagine this is what it would taste like. It’s the first fast food item I have reviewed, and for that matter can even remember, that I did not finish eating.

To be fair, if a person ever found themselves stranded on a deserted island with no other food source, they would eat it. I’m confident Gilligan, Skipper, Ginger, Mary Ann and crew would dive right in. However… foam padding isn’t very flavorful.

Where does the patty come from? It comes from MorningStar Farms, and this link will take you to what appears to be the exact product used by Burger King, for those interested in learning more about this unusually tasteless creation.

How is it cooked? It definitely was not flame-grilled like Burger King’s standard beef burgers. The manufacturer’s website says it can be microwaved or cooked in a regular oven. Considering the regular oven directions call for a 15 minute cooking time, I think it’s safe to assume that Burger King is using a microwave.

Here’s the official description — Savory vegetable and grain burger with a blend of carrots, mushrooms, bell peppers, black olives, brown rice and rolled oats.

Here’s a crazy idea — JUST EAT SOME VEGETABLES. Have some corn, beans, peas, spinach, mushrooms, carrots, WHATEVER. But eat them on their own. Don’t smash them up together to create a tasteless circle of fake-meat and call it a Burger. Certainly I do support eating as healthy as possible, and I also support those who choose to be vegetarians, but this is NOT the answer.

The Veggie Burger from Burger King is Bad, and not in a “good” way. Vegetables are awesome, but this is gross. Please make the scary “Burger” go away.

Price: $2.69 — Website: BK.com

Fast Food Critic Score: F

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Nutrition Facts - Veggie Burger from Burger King.

Calories - 420
Calories from Fat - N/A
Total Fat - 16 grams
Carbs - 46 grams
Saturated Fat - 2.5 grams
Trans Fat - 0 grams
Cholesterol - 10 milligrams
Sodium - 1100 milligrams